I was born in a small town called Erzin in Turkey. I was the youngest of 5 children. My dad left us. Life without a father is very difficult in Turkey. Because of this I didn't have any friends during my school years .
My mom was an unhappy woman, and she was always sick, but she always performed her prayers five times a day. As for me, I was not able to find the love in humans, so I turned to God. I wanted to know Him. We had ayats from the Qur'an hanging on our walls at home. I used to stand in front of them and talk to God saying "give me understanding, so that I can read the ayats, which are your desires and words. I always heard from my relatives that God was capable of doing anything but I never experienced this.
So this was my childhood; no father, no love, no toys! In the midst of all this I wasn't able to finish my schooling.
We moved to Ankara. Because we were really poor, I was given in marriage at age 15. Neither I nor my husband knew anything about marriage and its problems. Although we tried hard, our marriage was a picture of an unsuccessful marriage. My husband gambled, and in order to hide it from me he lied to me, and as a result I never forgave him.
Our family and friends kept telling us if we had a child we would be happy, so we thought we finally had found why we were unhappy. We were expecting our child like a toy that would bring happiness to our lives. Around this time we moved to a house close to the mosque. I wanted to perform all the duties God had placed on us and wanted to know Him. I started to wear my hijab and black socks, obtained prayer beads and started to pray five times a day.
I was very particular. If one needed to do ablution once, I did it twice. If one needed to rinse his mouth and wash his hands once, I did it twice. I didn't want to make any mistakes. I wanted to know God this way. I fasted, went to the mosque and listened to the Imam. I wanted to treat my husband well, and be a good wife to him, but things didn't get better.
Although I was fearful, I move to Germany when I was 18. I thought if I earned some money, maybe I could be happy. I really believed this. I went to Berlin. I started to work - really hard, including Saturdays and Sundays.
In Berlin I stayed with some relatives. I loved and respected the man like a father. But shortly I became disappointed when I found out his intentions toward me. So I couldn't stay with them anymore and I stopped looking for a father after this. Meanwhile my husband and I reunited for the thousandth and the first time. He also moved to Berlin, but nothing was different. Then my mother followed him. After seven years of marriage we had a son whom we named Emrah. Not because of his income, but because of his son, my husband felt now his life was secured with me. I would not kick him out. He knew I didn't want to raise our son without a father.
My life was hell. I smoked too much. My health was so bad that I was hospitalized a few times in a year.
We bought two apartments in Turkey. One for me, one for my husband, but everything seemed pointless. After all this, my mom lost her patience. When I was at work and in hospital she took care of our little boy. However, the tension we had at home all the time caused her to lose her love for me. She started to accuse me of being a stupid and incapable woman. If I just were smart, if I were just a good woman etc. etc.
I was tired of my life. I hated everything. I hated my husband, my mom, my child, myself. Finally I hired my attorney uncle to file a divorce from my husband. We agreed that I would pay half of the money up front and the rest when the divorce was finalized. But my uncle continuously asked for more money. My mom was supporting him and advising me to send more money to my uncle, telling me that I wouldn't know better than an attorney. For this reason my relationship with my mom was strained, but she continued to support her brother.
I was sick. I wasn't able to work. I couldn't stay indoors. On the other hand my mother kept threatening me to leave, telling me, "take your child and do whatever you want."
Can I Trust This German Woman?
Finally, I went to visit the German Social Services. I told them my situation. The woman working there listened to me with respect and patience. I told her "if you could see my heart now, it is bleeding."
She said, "I believe you. Because if a person lives away from God's love, this is what they are destined to experience." But, I told her, "my mother is a believer, she prays five times in a day" and I told her my memories of my encounter with God. All the tears I had suppressed for years grimed over, and I started to cry. The woman told me "you and your tears are so valuable". I thought " Am I? I wish what you said was true." The words were a sweet story to me. God's love for me, and that of Jesus, the Messiah on the cross for me... Can it be possible? No, it can't. Besides, I am a Muslim... How can a man who cannot save himself save me? No! This woman is like everyone else. She is trying to take advantage of my weakness at this time and doing religious propaganda, and religious politics.
I told myself she is a good woman, but I won't go there again. But circumstances forced me to go again.
One day this woman gave me a Turkish Injeel as a gift. I read the Injeel, didn't understand much, but I found it quite logical. Meanwhile my mom left, and went back to Turkey. I gave my boy to a child care center. I was working double shift everyday. I was exhausted.
One day this woman told me, "There is a vacation place I know of. Why don't you go there and spent a couple weeks there?" I accepted her offer. I was introduced to some Turkish believers before I left. We prayed together;
"Lord, If you are really Jesus the Messiah, help me, explain this to me, and answer my questions."
I was traveling in the train and thinking about all I heard, also reading my Injeel. Suddenly, I felt a big joy in my heart. I understood. Love, joy, peace, blessings, and the intimacy of God the Father filled the whole compartment.
The vacation place was owned by some Turkish believers. There I confessed my invitation to Jesus as my Savior and asked Him into my heart for eternity. I was so happy, because I knew I had found my real Father.
Three days later, I got really sick. Just like Satan was talking to me. You can't do it. There are believers here, but when you go to Berlin, I will scare you all the time, and make you crazy. And he was telling me to jump from the window. However, a believer there, cast out Satan in the name of Jesus. After I went to Berlin, Satan was not able to bother me at all, because MY FATHER WAS STRONGER THAN HE WAS.
Cleansing of Heart
I invited Jesus into my heart, but my heart was dark; it was filled with junk, it needed to be cleansed. I needed God's light to do that, and I gave all authority to God to do it.
I used to smoke a lot and I knew this was displeasing to God. One day I told God, "Lord, I cannot quite smoking in my strength. Please help me. Give me nausea whenever I smoke." And thanks be to God, He delivered me from this slavery.
Secondly, I was not able to forgive my husband. I always wished evil for him, and I victimized myself. When I was in this condition, I felt that God didn't bless me, and I felt hopeless. I knew that I needed to forgive my husband, but I couldn't do it. One day I shared this in tears with a believer friend. "I want to walk in God's path, but I cannot. This bitterness I have is hindering my intimacy with God". We prayed together for the removal of the bitterness from me, but Satan was trying to destroy me.
My husband didn't pay any attention to the divorce situation at all. He didn't care if we were married or divorced - what happens tomorrow didn't interest him. Our son had both parents alive, but he lived in a child care center. My uncle wrote me a letter and demanded for me to send him the money in full. Otherwise he would not finalize the divorce, nor give me my money back.
I finally sent my husband back to Turkey. I wrote my uncle and told him that he is disturbing my life, and that I didn't want him as my attorney anymore. As my hatred increased, I saw that God was leaving me.
For about two years my husband and I were separated. He was living in adultery with other women. He even had an illegitimate daughter from one of these relationships. I, on the other hand, read my Injeel and prayed daily. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4) However, my situation was completely opposite. I was miserable! Every morning while having my breakfast I cried. One morning I knelt down and said, "Lord, I am waiting for your grace, and I want it today. If my tears don't mean anything to you, I don't want to live anymore." I wasn't able to finish my breakfast. I was sad and sick. I left to go to the doctor's office, and I ran into the mailman, who was bringing a certified letter for me. I opened it, and I couldn't believe my eyes. There were my divorce papers. They were translated into German. I looked at the date - it was a year ago. After my uncle died his wife got them translated and sent them to me. I was so happy, and I praised the Lord with other brothers and sisters for his faithfulness.
Time, Money, and Answered Prayer
I didn't know how to use my time well. I was a couch potato watching TV for hours. But now I knew I needed to use my time for the Lord. I wanted to glorify Him who died on the cross in order to free me of my sins. How should I start? BY SPENDING TIME WITH HIM AND KNOWING HIM BETTER!
The time I spent in front of the TV could have been spent with the Lord. I applied this conclusion to my life immediately and the TV went in the trash.
Other than my money I had given all to God, but I knew that I needed to give my money too. It was very difficult though. I was enslaved to money. I needed to make a decision. Nobody told me or forced me, but it was my conscience that forced me. I stood before the Lord once again, and prayed for freedom from my bondage. I needed to glorify the Lord with everything I had, because that's what He deserves.
My son Emrah was a sick and unhappy child. Frequently he had breathing problems and was hospitalized. One night he was so sick. His temperature was 40 C, and he couldn't breath. I needed to go to a public phone. I didn't have one at home, because I was enslaved to money. But Emrah was only 4, and I couldn't leave him alone at night. He was crying without stopping. What should I do? He was about to die, he couldn't breath. I remembered the word of the Lord which said, "and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me." (Psalms 50:15), "In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me." (Psalms 86:7), "The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him" (Nahum 1:7).
I knelt down and prayed, "Lord, I came to You trusting Your work. Please come and heal my boy." Slowly, Emrah's temperature came down to normal, he started to breath regularly, and then he fell into a deep sleep.
I Was Forgiven
I was forgiven, so I needed to forgive too. I wrote a letter to my son's father and his wife. I told them I had been forgiven for all my sins by the work of Jesus on the cross. For this reason I forgave them too. In addition, I asked their forgiveness, and told my ex-husband that I didn't want alimony. Since he didn't want to give it. Jesus didn't forced anybody.
I wrote a letter to my mother-in-law and asked forgiveness from her, because there was a big enmity between us. Now we have a better relationship, and we correspond through letters. As well as asking for my mother's forgiveness, I also asked my company's, because I used to not work hard.
Marriage to a German?
My life in this world destroyed me and my home. My home was a mirror of my life. All my windows were broken, my furniture was old, the paint in the doors and windows were old and peeling, and my son lived in a child care center.
My son came home only on weekends. When I took him to the child center, he was restless and disobedient. He almost hated me. I acted like I forgot the miracles the Lord had done in my life. I lived like I didn't have a living God. I wanted to solve all these problems myself.
I decided to get married to a German man from work. I was going to get married and get out of that broken home, my son was not going to live in that child care center, since I would stop working. But somehow, I didn't have peace in my heart. At the last moment, I turned to God and called the marriage off. I brought my home and my child to the feet of the Lord and asked His forgiveness. I was at His throne of grace again.
My house got fixed up, I was able to bring my son home. I gave one to God and He gave back a thousand to me. For my needs I didn't need to marry a man who doesn't know God.
One day I was talking to a friend at work. I was telling her that stealing is not only taking someone's possessions without their permission. Getting sick leave without being sick, or getting money from insurance without being sick was stealing too. A voice inside of me said, "do you remember in 1975 you had a dentist visit in Turkey, and you got the dentist office give you a bill 5 times more that what you paid and the German health insurance gave you 577 DM". Yes, Lord, I remember!
Remembering wasn't enough. I needed to repent. I needed to take my mask off and reveal my true face.
I wanted to hate all sin.
How could I do this? I told some of my friend about my insurance fraud. They told me, "no, don't admit it! You will be imprisoned. If you want to give this money back, give it to the poor and it will be your good deed." But I knew where I needed to give this money. Besides, I wanted to glorify the name of the Lord. If a person earns the whole earth, but looses his life, what benefit does he get?
I went to the health insurance office, and told them I was a thief, but Jesus, the Messiah had saved me, and given me a new heart. I was ready to pay any penalty I deserved. The insurance representative looked at me in bewilderment. He thought I was out of my mind. When he realized I was serious he said "do you know you are witnessing against yourself? Do you realize what the consequences may be?" I said "yes". I repaid the money in full and was so happy.
Lord, God, I want to do your desire and follow you. As a woman, I want to do the duty you have for me. I want to be good and faithful, and deserve the name I carry - Your name. With my words and actions, with all my being, I want to spread your Gospel.
Answering Islam Home Page